Navigating life after getting the news your loved one is terminally ill can feel impossible. You may feel a rush of overwhelm, victimhood, or mourn the loss of what was or should be . It is important to remember that some challenges you cannot avoid, they are simply a part of life. As humans, we must recognize that even though we may feel powerless, we do have the ability to stay in control of how we move forward. You can make a plan, you can execute that plan calmly and you can most importantly care for yourself as you navigate the next steps in your journey with your loved one.
If you are struggling with coping, having the right mindset and tools will help prepare you for the decisions ahead, improve your mood and help you show up as the best version of yourself. Even if it is hard, you are completely capable of handling this!
Challenges are unavoidable. Whether you stubbed your toe, came home to a thawed refrigerator, are irritated with your neighbor, are experiencing a divorce or just got the news that you or someone you love is ill you cannot prevent some challenges. Problems are omnipresent. How we show up when we are faced with bad news is what sifts out unnecessary drama to an already challenging situation.
So, how do you shift our mindset from anxious and overwhelmed to refined and controlled?
Your Nervous System
Initially, your nervous system is going to try to take over, it’s designed that way, it’s designed to protect you. Upon receiving the news that someone you love is terminally ill you may notice you want to cry, scream, leave the room or simply go numb. That’s your nervous system igniting your fight, flight or freeze and it’s a completely responsible response. Now that you know why you are reacting this way, you can take control and become the driver of your nervous system. Acknowledge your humanness, calm down, regulate and regroup. Take a breath.
What you can control
Now that you are calm, focus on the plan ahead. Don’t worry about all the variables, just focus on what you can control. When dealing with terminal illness there are going to be a lot of circumstances you cannot control. You can’t control unexpected medical visits. You can’t control how others see your situation. You can’t control disease milestones and how they will affect your personal experience with this illness. You can’t control how your loved one will wish to execute their wishes. You can’t control who will and won’t want to help you. You can’t control how your loved one will handle the news. You can’t control time. You can’t control the disease.
You can’t control time.
You can’t control the disease.
All you can control is yourself.
All you can control is yourself.
You can control what you allow to have power over you. You can control and filter what serves you and your loved one. You can control what treatments you decide to have and which you reject. You can control how you show up for your loved one and how you treat them.
Serving up our Thoughts
Think about what thoughts serve you better. For example you can have thoughts like, this shouldn’t happen to my loved one. Why is my life changing? I’m a good person, this shouldn’t happen to good people. I don’t deserve this. This should all be different. Or you can choose to have thoughts like, I am strong and capable of facing this challenge. My loved one is getting the best care possible because I am competent and they are safe with me. I know this will be hard, but I can do hard things. I have faced change before and am grateful I have the knowledge to navigate uncertainty. Things are different now but they don’t have to be unhappy. I’ve received terrible news but terminal illness will not define my loved ones life.
As humans we often go from “0” to “100”. For instance when we are at “100” we say things like, “I am going to handle this all, I’m going to find a cure and I am in control of this disease.” On the days when we are at “0” we say things like, “I give up, there is no point, I am helpless against this disease and I am a victim of our circumstance. That’s your primitive brain igniting your nervous system again. The more you can discern when your brain is trying to run the show, the quicker you can start to recognize when and how to regain control.
Be Neautral
Somewhere in between there is a middle ground where you can stay neutral. This is to not say that there won’t be times when you are not scared, unhappy, sad or even angry. However, staying deliberate in your thoughts and not letting them bounce back and forth from one end of the spectrum to the other is a deliberate place of being where you acknowledge your feelings and have purpose as to how you let those feelings control you.
“I am really sad right now.
I’m blessed for the love I have
received and I am scared to lose it.
I understand loss because I have
loved so greatly, and for that I
am grateful for.”
When we decide how to think on purpose we say things like, “I am really sad right now. I’m blessed for the love I have received and am scared to lose it. I understand loss because I have loved so greatly, and for that I am grateful.” Or, “I’m angry this is happening to me but knowing others are facing this disease reminds me that I am not alone. I can do this.”
Who do you show up as
Acknowledging and getting clear with the thoughts you are having and giving yourself time to understand why feelings are manifesting can let you maintain agency over how you react. Once you can understand where your feelings are coming from it helps to take so much drama and resistance out of the equation so you can get back to being the highest version of yourself. The person your loved ones deserve. So who do you want to be?
Are you the caretaker who is short tempered, nervous, irritated and victimized? Do you represent yourself as caretaker who is so overwhelmed they shut down and shut out resources that could improve your loved ones’ end of life? Are you showing up as the caretaker who handles challenges with grace, poise and humility? Do you want to be the caretaker who stays in a place of forward thought and embraces the end of life with gratitude and resilience?
You get to decide, you are in control.
Make a plan
Once you find a conscious level of thinking you can start creating an action plan. What are the next steps? Start with short term plans and get educated.
First you may just set up preliminary appointments to get the full scope of what you are dealing with. This part can get overwhelming but you now have the tools to cope. Once you have a better understanding of the challenges ahead you can get clear about long term expectations and disease milestones. Consider your options. Will your loved one remain at home? What do your resources allow for? What boundaries are you setting for realistic expectations of the care you can provide as a caretaker?
Decide who you want to share your news with. You are in control of who and what you decide to communicate. If you are employed, generally you would want to fill them in on what is happening so you can arrange time off for appointments and unexpected setbacks. Everyone else is within your discretion. Communicating hard news to family and friends can take a toll. Their emotions and reactions are out of your control, remember that! Stay in the driver’s seat, stay deliberate.
take care of yourself
Now that you have regulated your emotions, learned how to acknowledge and be in control of your thinking and started to execute a plan, remember that the only person you can hold accountable for their actions is yourself. Make yourself proud. Start by taking care of yourself. Neglecting yourself is a snowball effect that will ultimately be the demise of how you think, feel and move forward during this time.
Try not to fixate on everything that’s “wrong.” When we hyperfocus and let our nervous system take over we leave our bodies behind and go off into a world of chaotic thoughts. Remember to come back to focus and ground yourself. Turn on YouTube and search for 10 minute meditations, make a cup of tea and sip it slowly while listening to a song you enjoy or go for a walk around the block.
If you’re really struggling, don’t force the emotion down. If you have to scream into a pillow or take a hot shower and let out some tears, that’s ok too. Allow the emotion to wash over you, release it and then reset. Once you make this a habit you will realize it doesn’t take much time to get back in control and become clear on what you need to do. When you finish stepping away and taking a moment for yourself remember that when you come back the problem (or illness) will still be there. We can’t magically will our problems into the abyss but we can care for ourselves in a way that makes the difficult situation more manageable.
Remember
Be intentional with your thoughts, allow your feelings to come up and then consider what thoughts are causing those feelings. Allow yourself the permission and time to feel your feelings about your loved ones terminal illness but do so from a place of clean thinking. Remember you are still here and for the time being, so is your loved one. Take a breath. Acknowledge you have time and remember that is a win in itself. Reflect on who you want to show up as. Calm down, regulate. Take control of your nervous system, thank it for being there and let it know you are ok, because you are.
You got this!
From experience: Whenever problems would arise as a child I remember my Dad would always present me with the question, “Who is in control.” After many long talks to understand the question I finally understood; the answer is and always will be, “I am.”
Warmest Energies to you all!
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